Celeb Mashup: Gary the Retard

I'm going out of order here! That's so retarded of me. I wanted to go in chronological order for this series, but I already messed it up. I can't go on with this series and not mention Gary the Retard. I forgot about him until recently!

I started watching Howard Stern's show on E! while I was in high school. It was mostly disgust and hate-watching by me, but I watched most of the episodes, sometimes more than once. I was addicted to something that I knew I hated but could not quit. Obviously, Howard Stern is a piece of shit, obviously the content of his shows is stupid and gross things that are oppressive to women and differently abled people. He used to have developmentally disabled people as regular guests or helpers on his show. They'd do interviews, embarrass themselves, and be the butt of jokes for him and the audience, all without realizing it. They're called “The Wack Pack.” He also gave them monikers, like Gary the Retard. I hate Howard Stern, and always have.

In the Spring of 2012, I very briefly worked at Rose City Strip in SE Portland, Oregon. Some show was live-streaming some kind of internet content at Rose City Strip. While Howard was not there, the show had Gary the Retard broadcasting. He was talking and hosting in front of a webcam with some kind of digital setup, off to the side in the club. I knew who he was right away, walked over and introduced myself as my stage name, Kelly. I simply called him “Gary” and said that I’m a fan. My top pick of Wack Pack members to meet would’ve been Beetlejuice, but oh well. Gary was jolly and hard at work in front of that camera. What I remember most about Gary the Retard, and what bothered me, was that he very aggressively put his arm around me, pulled me close to him in front of the camera, and behaved in a way that any other subtle domineering misogynist might, treating my attention like a trophy. A woman knows the difference between a platonic nice person simply putting his arm around someone, and a misogynist man putting his arm around a woman in a show of force, retard guy or not. Gary the Retard's behavior was the latter. So, I politely excused myself and didn't go back over there for the rest of the night. I'd be curious to see the footage of that experience.

Rose City Strip's stupid/ugly manager, Mason, told me some bullshit about how they didn't have room for me working there after my first shift, but it was probably actually because his ugly stupid bitch girlfriend Cassandra Pfeiffer worked there too and didn't like me. I knew her for several years in Portland strip clubs, long before she got her stupid looking fake tits put in to deflect attention from her ugly fucking face. I was quite bummed about Rose City Strip not having me back, as I made a large amount of money that night meeting Gary the Retard and had a fabulous time working there. I never sued Rose City Strip, but I did think it was funny when they closed down.

Howard Stern is trying to fit into a more politically correct media climate these days, so Gary the Retard's moniker has changed to Gary the Conqueror.